I am not what you would call "mentally stable" but I wouldn't call myself psychotic either. For many years, even today that I have my loving Fiance who listens, I have contemplated suicide. I thought about how I was going to do it, should I slit my wrist vertically down the veins? Should I slit it horizontally, and be in a tub of water? Should I do it home alone when my family isn't home? Should I do it when there were people nearby? How?? There were so many thoughts and feelings that went through my mind, depression, anguish, needy, alone, helpless, anger, melancholy, stressed, having low self-esteem, insecure, "WTF am I doing?", "Do I leave a note?", "How to do this?", "help". (Help is not a mistake on here. My cry for help felt tiny and insecure.)
Like many teenagers that was my age at the time, we were going through the "emo phase." Listening to Linkin Park, Death Cab for Cutie, Fall Out Boys, White Stripes, My Chemical Romance, Green Day and many others, listening to those music helped me go through life. They helped me to continue on with life. I knew many people, those whom I can call friends and out of those friends, my family. But also, being a teenager, I kept things to myself. I hid my dark feelings and thoughts away from my family and friends. I always thought that if I would to tell my friends, even my closest of friends that I was feeling down, depressed, suicidal, that I felt like I was burdening them and I didn't want to be that burden to them. "Are you okay, Jaimie?" "Hmm? Yea. I'm fine. I'm okay." even though I wasn't at the time and they would go about their day.
Now I never went to see a psychiatrist so I couldn't say that I was diagnosed with depression or being bi-polar, even though I knew or feel that I was. Maybe I should have and told my dark secrets to a stranger but means for me, being a minor, I was putting a burden on my parents of having to spend their money and going through their insurance to find me a shrink. So again, I hid. Out of all the "emo" band that I listened to, Linkin Park was and still is my go to band. Listening to Numb, One Step Closer, Faint, Nobody's Listening, I felt those songs were me and I'm going through that. Then there were also songs like Where'd You Go (from Fort Minor), Don't Stay, and New Divide, those songs lifted my spirit. Even to this day, from their newest album, One More Light and Heavy, makes me realized maybe I can beat this.
Now when I thought about committing suicide, after all of those dark feelings, I would wonder how would people feel about my death. What were they thinking? Were they sad that I died? Were they happy and relieved that I passed on? Did they really even know me? Were my parents mad? My sisters sad or glad? But more importantly, What is death like? How does it feel to die? Is it like sleeping but never having any dreams? Is there such a thing as "life after death?" I still think those thoughts today as an adult. But now, those thoughts are added on, What would my fiance do after my death? Will he follow me? Will he find someone new? How will he react? I couldn't put myself in that position where he have to think those thoughts. See, I still feel like burden.
Later on, now in college, I found out about a website called Stickam, and through that, I found out about a non-profit organization called "TWLOHA" and their story and mission. After I read their mission statement, I bought a shirt from them through Hot Topic. Speaking of Hot Topic, that store became my safe haven. The dark atmosphere, the anime, the sarcasm and the music put my mind at ease. It was going to be my first job, but my friend introduced me to the library and I started there first, but that's different story not related to this. After purchasing the TWLOHA shirt, I felt better. I felt less depressed, less anguish, less meh.
While in college, I found myself on another website called IMVU where I met my now fiance and again, I felt myself at ease. I found other people to talk to that were like me. I was never like my real-life friends. I am a fan of anime, Japanese cultures, dark stuff like things from Hot Topic, Neurotically Yours, Contemplating Reiko, Happy Bunny, stuff like those. I have a diverse range of friends where they can be either all study and work and no play, to "I want a boyfriend". I was in the middle and so far off the map, that I wasn't in the middle. My online friends was where I was the happiest. For the first time, I was actually happy. I would lose myself in IMVU. Talking to people that had the same interest as me, but still not telling them about my suicidal thoughts. I felt like me. Then cue the hardest heart struck that anyone could play. I fell in love hard but I stood in the shadow and away from the spotlight. We became friends, chatted on IMVU and then later on Skype and on Facebook. I was in love and he wasn't. I became friend-zone. I confessed my feelings, and waited for his answer. and waited.... and waited... and waited. My depression came back. I was heartbroken but still determine for his answer. I cried almost every night and cried myself to sleep. I was angry, I was sad, I was pissed off, I was confused, I was empty. My heart was broken into a million pieces. There was a hole in my heart so deep that I thought that no one could fill it. There was nothingness in my life at the time that all I could do was put on a mask and go about my day. He broke me and no one could fix it. I was so mad and frustrated that I started thinking about suicide again. How could this guy had such a hold on my heart that I couldn't think straight? How could this guy do this to me and how did I allowed it to happen? How?! How? how. Slipping deeper down the drain, just spiraling more and more into despair and agony. And like a puppy, my now fiance came in. We started talking and became more and more closer. Little by little, I haven't realized until a year later, that he was super gluing the pieces of my heart back together. He was filling the hole with his unconditional love. He asked me out 5 days after Valentine's Day of 2010 and I said yes. He pulled me out of the spiral and out of hole I dug myself in.... one month later I get my answer. "Do you want to go out with me?" All that fixing, all that filling went away. I was happy, I was confused, I was lost, I was angry, I was... I was... I don't know anymore. Happy that he asked me out. Confused to what I should do with my boyfriend, Should I break up with him, Should I tell him? Should I not? Lost in thoughts. Angry that it took him this long, but it didn't last long. I didn't give him my answer and he didn't wait. A week later, he found himself a girlfriend. Within that week, my feelings for him came flooding back. All that fixing and filling that my boyfriend did, all ruined and he had to start all over again.
My mask was back on.
Slowly, chip by chip, the mask was going away. The pieces were getting back together, the hole filling again. Nobody knew how I was feeling those days. There was 5 hour time differences between Hawaii and Texas and I wanted to call my boyfriend and spill my feelings. But again, burden hits and I didn't want to burden him with my feelings. I didn't want to burden him with my life story. I didn't want to be a burden.
Fast forward a couple of years, I stopped talking to him and continued with my life in Texas with my now Fiance and then I saw his name popped up on my steam friends list. I almost forgotten that I added him on there as well. I messaged him "hey, how have you been? it's been a long time." introduction conversation crap like that. Huge mistake. flood gates busted wide open and my feelings for him returned. Is this what it was like to be in love with two people at the same time? Could I have love one more than the other if I couldn't love them both equally. I need to stop this once and for all. It doesn't stop. The talking and chatting continues to the point that now that I'm living on the continental mainland, I'm so much more closer to him. I'm only a few states away, rather than across the nation and in the middle of the ocean. I want to see him. I want to be near him. I want to punch him and slap him and berate him for making me feel the way I did. I don't. After almost a year, we stop talking, the feelings slowly went away. However I still have my bad nights. There are nights where I think about him for a few seconds and nothing comes of it, and I go straight to sleep. There are bad nights when I'm thinking about him and how is he doing and my hearts pulls a bit. And then there are worse nights, which thankfully happens very seldom, when I cry myself to sleep because of him. And with that, the next morning, the mask fixed itself making it more harder for it chip away.
I know I can call the confidential hotline for preventing suicide. I know that it's all confidential and I can talk in confident, that no one will judge me, that the first step is just to pick up the phone and dial the toll-free number. I know all that. I also know with that, I won't burden that one on the phone with my problems. I also know that I can talk to my fiance about all of this feeling of death, self-pity, the low self-esteem. The feeling of how to feel when I died, what to expect and how to expect it. I don't want to burden my fiance and making him feel the same way as I do now. At this time and moment, I hear him in the next room, laughing with glee with his friends while playing video games, while I'm in my room typing away this post. I don't want to take away his happiness and laughter because of me. Again, with the burden feeling of guilt and suffering. I don't want that for him.
Anyways, that's all for now. I don't know how to continue from there. I just know that I'ma continuing living life the way I know how. One day I'll find the courage to call the number or talk to my fiance. But until then, Thank you for reading my blog.
